Emotions – Walking through the Fire
I would rate my weekend at a 65%+ happiness level.
Friday was fun – went out with some friends and in general I was in a happy state. Unfortunately my Land Rover started leaking water and the computer just went bonkers! For a while felt like, the world is against me – again. I made it home safely, were very stressed and felt helpless for a while.
In these panic states I just wish I had millions in the bank and can get stuff fixed and relieve the stress. I also want to help other people with funding but obviously I need to sort myself first.
On the positive side – I feel like I am walking through the fire and that I will hopefully someday turn out as a stronger and better person. Been tested in all areas of my life. Financially I was very successful, lost tons of money by helping a friend with new business – “depressing” at times. All blew up in my face. I know regrets not very helpful at all.
I need to take the lessons learned and move on. But it is so hard. More positives – the cracked finishing part in Land Rover forced me to learn how to do fiberglass repairs (for a software engineer & architect now bad). My first attempt horrible. But I am confident next one would be way better. And I do love DIY and tweaking and fixing stuff. So I took the step and went down to hardware shop, bought a fiberglass kit. Blessed though I still can do this.
The major turn of my happiness level took place on Sunday – me and the “ex” (not sure what to call it really) had WhatsApp chats. And I remain hopeful and committed but she then reminded me that there is nothing in terms of a relationship or any possibility of such a “thing”. It floored me quite a bit on Sunday. Emotions all over the place, stressed out about Landy. My brain is spinning out of control (nearly).
But in hindsight – I think I did manage it a tiny little better. I went to bed and forced myself to sleep. IN the past, I would not be able to sleep at all. Would lay awake and my processor would be burning out overthinking, analyzing every single step. And having to go to work without sleep – miserable day, focus not on top form etc. Evil circle kicks in then. So think in general I did manage okay’ish.
Emotionally, I need to listen. Take it for what it is (and what is said). Don’t fight it. I can not change other peoples feelings or commitment towards me. But how to handle this if you know “she” is a great person and “she” and you belong together. Guess that is my own personally urge and perhaps not Spiritually guided.
Today, Monday – I am feeling like a 60%? We had very decent arguments/debates still going on, on WhatsApp. But I have to make a final decision. Where will this lead to? Will it help or will it harm? I am confused because my heart says one thing and my mind another. Sounds simple and easy.
Thinking about everything – I was up Sunday very early (before 6am +-). Could have gone to church but did not. Was too stressed about Landy and had to get going on the broken plastic cover sealing the windscreen.
Maybe I have “muisneste” – like my Dad would say. Need to get clarity and need to know where to invest my time & energy. Feels like whenever I put my mind, energy & commitment on someone I initially mess it up and then come with huge sincere and honest comeback but then at a lost.
